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Episode #107 "The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"


Manhattan traffic is in a gridlock, because the President's in town. Nasim says he'll be driving by the hotel. Mavis isn't happy, because the donut shop is completely blocked off. Courtney tells Mavis he's going to watch the President drive by; Courtney's wearing a blue tie in his honor. Emotionally, Courtney tells Mavis he knows she doesn't like the President, but dammit Courtney's proud of him! Mavis doesn't like that he's caused a traffic jam. He's the President, Courtney fires back. Mavis is unimpressed. Rita comes in to get Courtney; Dubya's bout to bust down Fifty-Sixth! Mavis tells Courtney he can tell the President for her to apologize to Europe starting with France. Tell him yourself, says Courtney. Mavis says she wouldn't be able to get within fifty feet of him. It's easy to say you'd speak your mind, says Courtney, when you know you'll never get the chance. Courtney and Rita exit and Mavis gets in the elevator, asking Nasim to watch the lobby. Moments later President Bush and his entourage enter the hotel. A secret service man informs Nasim that it's an emergency. The President needs to use their facilities. Nasim is so excited. The President is using their potty. Mavis comes back, and Nasim tells her that The Boss is in their hotel. She automatically thinks he's talking about Springsteen. She quickly primps her hair. The door swings open, and a bunch of press rush in. A reporter asks Mavis if she's a supporter. She's his biggest fan, number one! Then she realizes the reported is talking about Bush. She checks with Nasim. What's this reporter talking about? That's what Nasim was trying to tell her. The President is in their bathroom. Well get him the hell out, demands Mavis. Right, an Iranian immigrant ordering the President out. Then Mavis will do it herself. But then the President recognizes her, says that Don't Hide Love was a good song and goes on to say that he thinks she's a national treasure as cameras flash, freezing the moment. Then he's gone and Mavis is suddenly alone in the lobby. Courtney's devastated to learn that he missed the President. Mavis tells Courtney she kicked him out. Nasim assures him that she's lying. Courtney hopes she didn't say something incendiary. Mavis wants Courtney to believe that she did. Bullcrap, coughs Nasim. Jadwiga comes in and tells them that Mavis is on TV. There, for the whole world to see is Mavis proclaiming that she's the President's number one fan. Courtney's amazed. Mavis really is a Republican.

No, says Mavis, this is a vast right wing conspiracy! Mavis tells Sophia that she feels violated. That man had his pants down in her hotel! Sophia doesn't know why she's so excited. Many guests in her hotel have been republicans. Mavis says she has a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. The next day Courtney is teasing Mavis. Maybe he should call her Mavaleeza. Nasim comes in and tells Mavis a letter for her has just been delivered by messenger. Maybe it's an invitation to the White House. She tries to throw it away twice, but Courtney grabs it out of the trash. Mavis grudgingly reads the letter. It's an invitation to a party at the Regency Hotel in the President's honor. Courtney tries to persuade Mavis to attend and take him as her guest. It could be his first chance to make some real contacts. The invitation further states that Mavis is getting a personal moment with the President. That clinches it. She can say whatever she wants one on one!

At the Regency Hotel, the suite is filled with Republican fund raisers. Uncomfortably, Mavis observes that there's absolutely nothing there for her. Well there's one thing, as she stops a waiter with a tray of drinks. Courtney says he's asking one favor: Please don't say anything mean to the President. The President is his hero. A black woman approaches Mavis and says that she and her husband are big fans. She asks for an autograph. Mavis graciously signs. The woman observes that as black Republicans they generally have to stay in the closet. Mavis says black Republicans make about as much sense as Jews for Jesus. The woman is indignant. Courtney, sensing a problem comes over. Mavis doesn't have a problem, but Clarence and Anita do! The press secretary comes over and says she'll be taking Mavis to see the President. She asks Mavis if she can hear Mavis' comments before she goes in. The woman Mavis had been talking to tries to intervene and Mavis threatens to cut her. Mavis goes a little crazy and she and Courtney are dragged out by secret service men with Courtney swearing all along that he's a Republican. Later, in the Nappy Dugout, Courtney is sitting at the bar drinking shots. Mavis comes in and asks how he's doing. She didn't have to make a scene, says Courtney. It's always about Mavis. When they were kids, she always bossed him around, pushed him around. One of the reasons he's a Republican is that he didn't want to be like Mavis. For the record, says Mavis, none of what he said made any sense at all!

Mavis Rae
Whoopi Goldberg
Wren T. Brown
Omid Djalili
Elizabeth Regen

© 2006 The Carsey-Werner Company LLC All rights reserved.